~10 Day You Challenge~: Eight Fears....

Fears.

My little hometown and county has been riddled with all kinds of bloodshed in the last couple of weeks...most of the crimes domestic violence related. These incidents have made me think of about my fears.

1) I fear my DEATH...that I would see it coming or it will be painful and long. I used to fear I would be killed in a airplane crash or die of a prolonged disease. All I can do is trust in God which is sometimes I fear in its self.

2) I fear losing my children. My boys were premature babies and I would sit by their incubators and beg God to not take them from me. I promised my life over for their health and prosperity...oh, what I promise I made. I fear that I'm not good enough sometimes and they will taken from me. I know, I'm just hard on myself, but that's what happens when you are gifted something or someone you had know idea you deserved.

3)I fear vomiting....OMG...when I think I need to throw up, I get the chills and start to cry. The fact that food is going come up out of me thru my mouth is scary.

4) I fear roller coasters. I worked at Carowinds for two seasons and I've seen cars get stuck up side down, rides get stuck at the top of the ride, people get off and the paramedics have to show up to calm them down...I don't need that kind of rush.

5) I fear my car breaking down. Now, you think I would be over that since my car is old and I know the routine of what to do when it does...but I hate being the side of road. And more than once, it has broken down with my children in the car( they were little). Unspeakable mental pain of being broken down in a raggedy car.

6)I fear poverty. I've been close to homelessness TWICE and if it wasn't for the fact that I had children and mother, I would be God knows where. Poverty DOES NOT discrimination. I'm smart, gifted, educated, a hard worker but I almost lost everything very quickly. DO NOT think because you have a savings, a back plan, credit cards, family money, good job that one day everything could be turned upside down. I was blessed I had somewhere to go and money tucked away. I've also witnessed people I would never guess be in hard financial times struggling...poverty knows no color or no status.

7) I fear depression. I've been in some very deep ditches of depression. I contemplated my death the entire year of 2006. Its a very real disease that sometimes people of my culture think can be cured with religion or ignored and it will go away. I was always depressed, it wasn't til' I became pregnant that it was acerbated by carrying two babies, relationship problems, poverty, the GREAT MOVE ( as I call it) of moving back to somewhere I knew nothing about anymore. Then there was post-partum...I often look at my kids baby photos trying to remember that first year. I never want to see those places in my life AGAIN.

8) I fear jail.:/ I'm a very law abiding citizen...I don't run red lights. I actually drive the speed limit and have the pristine driving record to show it. I've have a bad temper sometimes but I always think, I go jail, I lose my life. Its like alive and dead at the same time. I never ever want to go to jail for NOTHING.


Well, that was stressful! lol! Fears are a BITCH.:/