Today I took the boys' to the YMCA pool, the only public pool in town. But before we went, we ate lunch and then we popped into the Wal-Whizzle( or as Spencer calls it "Mal-Mart") to see if Mommy could score a swimsuit.
Okay let me stop there. I haven't had a swimsuit in 8 years. The last one I had I got at Old Navy in 2000 right before I went on a trip to Myrtle Beach with my homies. I had the best time that trip and I looked good in the swimsuit( and in love...because I was in LOVE!!!).
And a diva was Size12- 14.
Now a diva is Size 18.
And if you know me personally, its a BIG difference.
I haven't had many chances in the last 8 years to swim or get near water to get in it in a beach setting. Hell, I can go to Myrtle Beach, a South Carolinian pasttime( one must go at least 20 times in a lifetime) and get nowhere the water.
Now that I have two 3-year olds, I challenge myself to be an "active/outdoor"mommy. I don't have girls( Thank you, Lord!) that I can drag in and out of malls and stores. My boys want to be free of the confines of a house, a store, a mall, Grandma's house...they have a overwheleming need to RUN!!!
So, I wanted a swimsuit and all they had was the one above and it was in a maroon-dried blood red color and 32.88. Puleeze. You know it got left there. Hell,I just paid Charter and added DVR to the service.
But I thought I could just go with the flow and rock some jeans, tank, a head scarf and sunglasses. We get there and the other parents had on swimsuits and trunks and were in the water with their kids. Gut punch I tell you. Then I thought, "This is not about a 32.88 swimsuit , its about you not wanting to wear a swimsuit because you are really not comfortable with being 5'0, 200 lbs...You want to LOSE weight, but you keep talking yourself out it...You's a DIVA and sh*t and Big Girl Fab and sh*t and you can't even put on a swimsuit to swim with kids"
I'm speechless at myself. Still.
I wouldn't know where to start in the weight loss game. I was on one diet in my life in 2005, for the wrong reasons, trying make someone love me by losing some weight that I gained taking care of his kids. I guess that's why cling to the way I look. I don't want no man to ever have any influence on how I look AGAIN. It's a sad way to live.
But I gots to love me too, right? I got to love me that way I should be loved. Because I love myself... but maybe not enough.
Jamie
