Today I took the boys' to the YMCA pool, the only public pool in town. But before we went, we ate lunch and then we popped into the Wal-Whizzle( or as Spencer calls it "Mal-Mart") to see if Mommy could score a swimsuit.
Okay let me stop there. I haven't had a swimsuit in 8 years. The last one I had I got at Old Navy in 2000 right before I went on a trip to Myrtle Beach with my homies. I had the best time that trip and I looked good in the swimsuit( and in love...because I was in LOVE!!!).
And a diva was Size12- 14.
Now a diva is Size 18.
And if you know me personally, its a BIG difference.
I haven't had many chances in the last 8 years to swim or get near water to get in it in a beach setting. Hell, I can go to Myrtle Beach, a South Carolinian pasttime( one must go at least 20 times in a lifetime) and get nowhere the water.
Now that I have two 3-year olds, I challenge myself to be an "active/outdoor"mommy. I don't have girls( Thank you, Lord!) that I can drag in and out of malls and stores. My boys want to be free of the confines of a house, a store, a mall, Grandma's house...they have a overwheleming need to RUN!!!
So, I wanted a swimsuit and all they had was the one above and it was in a maroon-dried blood red color and 32.88. Puleeze. You know it got left there. Hell,I just paid Charter and added DVR to the service.
But I thought I could just go with the flow and rock some jeans, tank, a head scarf and sunglasses. We get there and the other parents had on swimsuits and trunks and were in the water with their kids. Gut punch I tell you. Then I thought, "This is not about a 32.88 swimsuit , its about you not wanting to wear a swimsuit because you are really not comfortable with being 5'0, 200 lbs...You want to LOSE weight, but you keep talking yourself out it...You's a DIVA and sh*t and Big Girl Fab and sh*t and you can't even put on a swimsuit to swim with kids"
I'm speechless at myself. Still.
I wouldn't know where to start in the weight loss game. I was on one diet in my life in 2005, for the wrong reasons, trying make someone love me by losing some weight that I gained taking care of his kids. I guess that's why cling to the way I look. I don't want no man to ever have any influence on how I look AGAIN. It's a sad way to live.
But I gots to love me too, right? I got to love me that way I should be loved. Because I love myself... but maybe not enough.
Jamie
8 comments:
WOW...yeah...you got a tear with that one....
jamie why are you trying to get at my heart!
i'm so feeling you on this post! i think we love ourselves, we just aren't happy with the way we look right now. i could write my own post on what all of this means to me, but i'll spare you. just know that i'm with you. my baby wants to go to the pool too, but between bathing suit and hair issues(though i thought locs would be a waterproof situation) is not something i feel like dealing with right now =( i will take him, but i want to take him to a kiddie pool where i can sit on the side and not have to truly submerge myself to be involved. they don't seem to make kiddie pools around these parts anymore. i guess the shallow 3 ft end of the pool is the kiddie pool =(
Donyetta my crimson'd friend:)-I cried typing it!
Kia- Um...they don't make kiddie pools! The one at our Y was a graduated pool that got deeper as you go in it. I'm just waiting for God to instruct me on what to do...:)
*waving frantically*
Hi cousin as you so lovingly call us!
Let me tell you something about me and swimsuits and perhaps women in general...we NEVER are happy with the way we look in a swimsuit!!! Case in point, I've got a friend who has a fantastic body, to me, prolly a size 2-4, maybe 4, anyways, she hates her legs in her bikini...but she can wear a bikini though...anyways, I don't want to write a whole blog on your blog, but just know i feel you. Over this past month I haven't stepped FOOT into a gym and I felt it last weekend when I went to put on my skinny jeans...um yeah I had gained about 5 pound last month! But, that does not and WILL not stop me from going to the pool and putting on a swimsuit!
For me, I have quite a few options but I always go back to my trusty black one piece with the super low cut front - flaunt what you've got and draw attention AWAY from your "problem areas" - that's how I go.
Now the other issue, you maybe not loving yourself enough- look, we all go through periods in our life where we are just dissatisfied with ourselves whether it be looks, weight, work, life etc. but once you have identified the problem, just work on it. One step at a time! I am back to working out, just started this week and I know my 5..50 pounds aren't going to come right off but I can start, little by little.
Plus, if it's something you REALLY want, you will do it; you will find discipline and DO IT! If not, then you just don't want it bad enough - and that is not YOU, it's us, people in general. It's something I look into the mirror and tell MYSELF each day!
Ok done,love ya blog sister! Have a FAB weekend and PLEASE don't stay out in the hot sun in jeans!!!
*besos* B
Great Post Jamie! This is soo real! I am STILL working on this one. My waistline needs some work (to say the least), but I have to love myself in the meantime, like you said.
Hang In There Sis...I'm with you!
Autumn
*B* Money!!- Thanks for the support and tips. You are so right about swimsuits and women. And I will not NEVA go in the hot sun like that in jeans again! lol!
Autumn-Hey girl!Thank you for the support too!
Hi there, big another big gurl here and believe it or not I actually got a size 24 tankini for $19.99 from Marshalls. I was shocked that it actually fit. I guess the next test is putting it in water oh yea and finding a cover up LOL!
Hi Jamie,
I definitely feel you on this post. I am having the same problem with myself. Even went out and bout the South Beach Diet Book and everything. I started walking this week and home and at work. So we see how long I keep doing this walking thing. It is so easy to be lazy.
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